Before I stepped onto my self love healing journey I absolutely hated my body, the way I looked, the way I felt, the way I moved, the way I spoke, I hated my hair, my legs, my stomach, my curvaceous hips, my face, my boobs, my yoni well you get the point. I pretty much just hated ME.
As a teen I would literally sit in front of the mirror and recite "your so fucking ugly, your fat, your crazy, no one loves you, I hate you!" repetitively until I would literally be balling my eyes out in hysterics, pulling my hair out having what I guess you could call a break down or a hissy fit in a rage of anger that I was given such an ugly representation (oh my poor beautiful self, how horrible I was to her). This eventually ended up turning into self harm to release the hate, the sadness and the anger I felt towards myself.
I would starve myself, make myself vomit up meals, cut away at myself (literally and metaphorically) all because I, for some reason had compared myself to so many others perception of "normal" or beautiful and had listened to the tortuous voice of my own egoic hate for so long I had lost the plot so to speak. I did not know how to handle or even change the way I felt about me. So that is how I dealt with it as a confused, sad and disoriented teenage girl.
The extreme physical events of these issues I did grow out off as I grew into adult-ism (yup that's totally a word) but the mental and energetic side of things was another story.
Instead of cutting, starving or spewing I began drinking (HEAVILY) and heartlessly sexing as much as possible. If I by chance was not heartlessly sexing, I would be projecting the weight of my self hate, sadness and anger onto my partner relying on him to pick me up out of the hell hole I had created for myself in my own mind. This is never healthy for a relationship, so along with multiple other reasons, no surprises there, they would end eventually.
You honestly attract the relationship that you project from your own self lovelies, so just remember that when you are thinking hateful thoughts towards your beautiful selves.
I am a sexual woman but what you have to understand is that you can be a sexual woman and still be insecure, sad, shy, intimidated, withdrawn and even at times scared in the bedroom no matter how sexually aware, experimental, empowered or horn dog (my version of horney) you maybe. And yes this has been me for a long time.
By a lot of my friends I had always been seen as the sexual one. But the side of me a lot of people did not see is the side that can be absolutely scared senseless at the thought of being seen completely naked by my sexy partner, when I actually have one 😉.
I would at times absolutely hate having sex with the light on as it made me sad and angry to see my own body. I would find it hard to truly connect sexually with partners as I was to busy worrying about how I looked. I would get anxiety as things would get hot and heavy at the thought of him removing my clothes. I would rush through foreplay out of fear of him exploring and truly seeing every part of me. I have literally only orgasmed with a tiny percentage of the men I have slept with all because I struggled and disliked me. I write this in past tense but to be honest it is a work in progress. But you know what? That is completely okay, because a work in progress is 100x better than being stuck in a body hate, body shame and unloving relationship with yourself.
If we have no love for ourselves, hate our bodies or the way we look, just the way we are. How are we meant to feel comfortable or empowered enough to be seen, explored and embraced bare naked by our sexy partner.
Trust me beauties you are 100% beautiful, sexy, gorgeous all that good shit just the way you are, right now. Cellulite, stretch marks, scars, curves, rolls, chubby, skinny, flat chested, saggy boobs, perky boobs, hairy, wrinkles, wild hair, straight hair, perfect skin, imperfect skin etc etc all of it is beautiful because they are all part of the bigger picture that make up YOU. Our imperfections, although I know can be a fucking challenge are what shape us, and build us into who we truly are in this world where we all seem to constantly strive for perfection. Whatever the fuck that is. Although it may not be society norm beliefs of beautiful, fuck society, we are human! Humans have these things, get use to it and embrace it before we destroy the word BEAUTIFUL for the gorgeous girls to come after us and ruin our own lives wasting time striving to be some fucked up form of beauty that patriarchy has written for us.
So on that note, I have recently discovered my own personal little self love healing tool and it's pretty cool and super simple here are the steps:
Shake your Nakey
1.Get naked! I've been doing mine pre shower or bath.
2. Turn on one of your fave pick me up tunes. That kind of song that makes you instantly smile (even if it is only an internal smile on ya shitty days)
3. Face a mirror, wrap your arms around yourself, look into your own eyes and recite "I love me and all my sexy goodness"
4. Now dance, and even, if you feel brave enough , run your hands all over your body, massaging her as you go (you don't have to play with yourself that is not the aim, but if you want to, good for you girlfriend 😉) the aim of the game is just to explore how your body feels, step back into your body, to love and cherish her for being your beautiful vessel in this lifetime!
5. Turn to the mirror smile, laugh and giggle at yourself because laughing and smiles are 100% healing for your soul and it is pretty fun/funny dancing with yourself but so so necessary I believe x
If you find it challenging to look in the mirror naked at first, take it in baby steps. Just dance naked, no mirror. Still to challenging? Just dance. Still to challenging? Just sway or move your arms side to side and recite the words while hugging yourself.
Dancing is amazing for getting back into your body beauty's and the best way to feel comfortable being naked in front of your partner, is to feel comfortable hanging out naked by yourself. You don't have to be a ballerina, twerk artist, belly dancer or contemporary expert you just need to move it and groove it. Which we can all do, I call bullshit on all you "I can't dance" ers out there. 😘
Create your own naked dance party for one and let's start healing our self love today.
Yey! Parties on!
Lots of Love Amy Dee xx