I am a Scorpio. I am deep. I am bitchy. I am FIREY. I am passionate. I am raw and honest. I am full of fury, rage and battle often the strong desire to cause revenge to people who hurt me, for I know that revenge does not help anybody's highest good. I contain sadness, hurt, fear of abandonment and judgemental persecution, and anxiety.
I fear everything yet at times fear nothing. I am a super strong woman but sometimes if you get me in the right space I can be so so vulnerable I will burst into tears at the slightest ridicule, hurtful moment or healing memory that needs revising. I am full of light and love to give to myself and others, but somedays I experience a darkness that fills my being and I struggle to drag my ass out of bed in the morning let alone love myself.
So this is what I want to talk about today. The darkness within us all, that hard voice of self critisim outwardly and inwardly, and how to use the power of SHE, the universe or your own version of God/Higher energy to move with the darkness and allow light to come from the darkest spaces.
I have been hitting some dark places and spaces recently and I am writing this one for my own healing today so get ready for some deep shit.
I am so hard on myself always have been. I was raised that way. As I spoke to my lovely father last night that I do love dearly, I could feel that hardness bubbling up again. Funny how family can bring the best and worst out in you huh.
I left the conversation feeling disappointed in who I am, what I speak of, how I present myself. That maybe I AM to much?! How much of a disappointment to the world I must be that I have not made enough money in my life so far, and who am I to think I am good enough to become a writer or help others work through there own deep dark sexy issues.
A small town girl from Whitianga, NZ. Who fucked around at high school and scrapped by a pass in her classes, then spent the majority of her life so far being a fucked up girl making bad and worse decisions and wallowing in depression and self hate, especially in the department of sex.
As I wrote this I awakened to a different perspective and you know what? Although my dad doesn't always understand me and does the best he can to do so, as I choose to step into an industry that is way out of his comfort zone and the visions that he may have once held for his eldest daughters future.
The disappointment, hard and horrible feelings didn't come from him. He was speaking what he new as his own truth, the darkness I felt literally came from my OWN dark space that needed recognition not his. I was putting words and thoughts in his mouth that weren't necessarily his. And striving for acceptance, love and understanding from someone who is simply not myself.
Starting to speak out about what I do was one of the scariest moments of my life. The more I do it the scarier and more intense it gets. Although I absolutely love what I do as I journey down this path, speaking out about healthy sex, body image, vaginas, witchy woo magic, spirituality and mindfulness. In a world of judgement and critics, detachment from the outcome, opinions and thoughts of others is hard.
I also had a super good friend say lovingly but seriously to me recently " You can't write a book on sex and relationships, you are terrible at them" I could feel the passion mixed with a bit of anger flaring up within me, like wtf do all these skeptics know what I am capable off! I'm the only one who knows what I am capable off! And shouldn't these loved ones of mine just support me in my big lofty dreams!
For some reason the more people tell me you are very out there, you don't know what you are talking about, are you even good enough or worthy enough to write and inspire, etc in there own words of course, the more I want to prove those lovely fuckers wrong. Try to remember that judgements from people who love you is usually out of fear for you, fear of you getting hurt or disappointed if it all turns to custard etc. Although they are not always right to hold that fear,they do, because that is how we have been raised within the patriarchy, to stay small.
So what to do when you feel the darkness of judgemental thoughts trying to consume you? Persistence beauty, just keep on dedicating yourself to that sexy truth with in you because no matter what there is ALWAYs someone who needs your beautiful message.
Those who don't understand, resonate, love or thrive off your message. They simply aren't your people lovelies. Most likely they may not be ready to hear what you have to say or just simply aren't on the same healing path as you potentially, as we all are on our own unique journey remember. Which be the reason they just simply aren't your audience, you can love them but don't get caught up on their opinions. You know your truth, trust in you and trust in SHE because she's got your back beauty's.
So what am I doing to dedicate myself persistently to my truth?
I continue to connect with SHE and allow her to guide me in my writing and my message. I meditate and set intentions of healing and self love. I smudge myself and my home with sage no matter what the skeptics say. I read my cards daily and have faith in the messages they bring. I journal uncensored out the shitty thoughts and feelings. I practice sexy self love as it is the ultimate gate way to all of the self loves that exist. I choose to believe that there truly is magical powers in orgasms and sex. I try out witchy rituals and continue to trust and grow my own intuitive gifts. I continue to encourage others to discover their sexy selves no matter how scared I get and I will continue to write regardless of what others think, because you know what?! My message is so fricken important, because it is the message I need and have needed multiple times through out my own life. I am here in support of others like me, and uniquely themselves and I will continue to help others even when my own life is battling the dark spaces of my own soul and my own ego because through every damn person I help, inspire and encourage I not only help them but I learn amazing light filled lessons of my own.
What I want to remind you is that NO ONE is perfect on this earth, everyone has darkness and everyone has made some poor decisions though out there lives. Persistence is the only way forward for achieving our dream world. Persistence in love and light and sexy recognition of the influences higher than yourself. Persistence of your own truth no matter what ANYONE, loved ones or not may think or say to you.
The world has plenty of sheep already why not rise as a wolf and howl at the sexy full moon in all your unique and glorious SHE powered YOU-ness.
Lots of Love Amy Dee xx