Lately I have been experiencing this uneasy, shivery, shaky, discomfort down to my very core.
I have been working my butt off for what feels like a lifetime trying to achieve that feeling of love. Initially it was love of another, within a partnership. The giving and receiving of equal and authentic love but when that all fell into a pile of mess relationship after relationship I began to re-evaluate.
What if this love I am searching for, obsessing over and craving begins with me?! While I jump into relationships whole heartedly, handing my loves over on a glorious silver platter, what if all my sweet soul wanted was to share some loving with ME!
One day, about 4 years ago as I healed from yet another break up and stood over analyzing every deemed imperfection I contain in the mirror searching, for validation from external sources that I was worthy enough to be loved, I received a message. A message that I did not realize was intuitive at the time, because well intuition is a lost but very beautiful skill that we all contain but struggle to recognize in this patriarchal world live in, this message would stimulate the very start of my so called spiritual awakening, or my spiritual growth, although again I would not discover that until later. The message I received was simple and shifted something so deep within me that once it was received I new I had no choice but to begin the steps to change “Aren’t you tired of hating yourself? Only you can make the change”.
So I began on my journey towards self love and a deeper self connection.
No, nothing changed over night, there was no magical pill to change how I felt about myself or to remove the hate and obsessive self abuse I would put myself under.
Meditation didn’t simply heal my mind, connecting with mama earth didn’t steal away my pains, dancing wouldn’t shake the crazy and continuous flow of my thoughts and singing as loud as I could wouldn’t instantly cure me of the pain and the neglect I felt after a lifetime of self ridicule, even intuitive guidance wouldn’t make all of life's decisions magically easy for me but what I can tell you is that the continuous choice of showing up through all of these mindful and spiritual practices is what began to stimulate the change, and would stimulate the choice to live from my soul rather than from what society and the people surrounding me expected and wanted me to be.
But as I sit here tonight, loving myself deeper and harder than I have EVER loved myself before, I am scared, and I am emotional, and I am raw, and I am nervous, and I am really fucking uncomfortable just the same as the feels I get when I fall in love with another. Because well, I have never felt this feeling before, a genuine and heartfelt deep sense of love for myself. It excites me, fills me up, gives me butterflies as I allow myself to receive the love I have always deserved in life, the beautiful new heart opening friends that I am crossing paths with every day, the sense of peace I am beginning to allow myself to embrace and feel within my life, the opportunities in the beautiful business I am creating, the message I am brave enough to share because I have learnt through the love I have for myself how to back myself when every single person I know held an element of fear for me, when others are full of doubt and misunderstandings.
I just wanted to share this with you beautiful humans because I want you to know that although life is really fucking tricky, complicated, rough as guts and unfair at times that you can always change your experience of life. No matter your past, your background, your hurts, pains and suffering.
Within the suffering beauty is birthed and we must always work through the shadows to get to the light life. And once you get there, to that magical place, that place where you actually begin to understand and experience the REAL meaning and feeling of self-love.
Well, there will be even more shadow to surface because feeling this good, feeling this type of bliss and feeling this fuzzy and excited about the life you are living and the person you are growing into and choosing to be is something a lot of us are taught, role modeled and seen to be as impossible. We truly believe that something has gotta give, and that this feeling will never last or is to good to be true.
So that is where I’m at. Experiencing fear. A fear of loving myself. for once the love flows in and fills me up, there are no excuses for why I can’t call in and embrace a lover that is truly aligned for me, to create a career that fills my bank and my soul with goodness, and there are no excuses to hide from the shadows and blocks that show up in my day to day life because I love myself far to much to hide within the shadows any longer so the only way out is to feel them, heal them and to move through them.
Life will always ebb and flow, but when you love all of you and who you are here to be, working through the shadows becomes that tinyst bit easier to face.
So much love beautiful humans. Amy Dee xxo