For as long as I remember I have felt guilty for and struggled with loving myself.
As a little girl I was taught share all your things, be giving and caring at all times or you are selfish, unfriendly and unlike able.
As a growing experimental teenager, boys and girls at school would mock, tease and shame you if you dared to admit to masturbation (not one girl I knew from school would EVER dare own up to that self loving crime!) myself included.
If you ever felt you were, or felt you looked beautiful and voiced it, that was like, "so totally vain". Instead of just saying "Thank You" and embracing a compliment of my beauty, my talents, my achievements or my nature I would blush, hang my head in shame for being acknowledged of the beautiful being I am (that we all are btw) and say "No, I'm not" or laugh it off and die inside waiting for the awkward moment to be over so I could go back to my self loathing in peace.
Instead of owning our beauty we deprive ourselves of it, suppress it and secretly strive externally for it all for the sake of losing touch with where our true beauty lies. Inner then outter will follow, hello silly.
As I grew older the self loving shame grew stronger. I would push, force and adapt myself to do things I didn't want to do, didn't enjoy, did not feel like doing, or speaking off all to please other people and leaving next to no time, let alone energy to do something loving and nice for myself.
I had given up on orgasms as somehow, patriarchal times, my give give give nature and the shame of giving some loving to myself (oh what a fricken crime that would have been!), had encouraged this seriously untrue deep belief in me, that sex was about pleasing the man and I didn't deserve that seriously, holy fuck me, amazing feeling.
The general thought of the modern day man (or let's say boy) that "woman are just to hard to please" state of mind also makes this a challenge that needs to be re-adjusted, and re taught but we will speak of this another time as I will get FAR to carried away.
I would never let myself feel beautiful, or speak lovingly to myself in fear of being "full of myself" or "vain" or just too "self loving" or "self centred", which if anything, caused "self centred" traits to shine through even stronger. I became a self loathing addict, staring in the mirror constantly, analysing, obsessing over every little imperfection. Belittling others in my weak pathetic effort to make myself seem bigger and better. And the constant chatter I would put people through, of me me me, obsessively, was really my inner soul voice craving the loving attention that I needed from ME!
This honestly went on for um EVER, it still sneaks up on me, I've just learnt the tools to move through it. But honestly if you can't love you solo how can you truly love you with someone else.
My inner dialogue consisted of "Your so fucking ugly", "OMG you are so fat, lose some weight starve yourself" "Your not good enough for those dreams, stick to the small stuff, at least you won't fail" and "Eww yuck, you are so sick in the head that you just played with yourself" and the list goes forever on. I had turned into the pro self hater and I was miserable, anxious, and let's just say a wee bit of a mess.
I was brought up by a very caring and very giving mum and dad that had always cranked into me work hard, push yourself while you are young, ALWAYS give and help others in need (or at times not in need), save save save, be kind, give love and be selfless. That is all great and sociably accepted behavior. But unfortunately for them and me we seemed to have missed a very important if not the most important part of our existence (in my opinion) the art of SELF love.
We live in times where we have forgotten how to love, cherish, accept and nourish our truest selves. We have forgotten that although it is important to love others, to give to others, share with others, pleasure and care for others, is it not first and foremost, important to give all of those things to ourselves?
Without giving those things to ourselves first, where are we getting our loving source from? And how in the hell are we meant to sustain our giving, caring and loving ways?! Hint: We don't.
I say the ART of self love, because that is exactly what it is. A conscious decision that needs dedication and energy, creativity of sorts to give wholly and truly to your precious self.
So my challenge to all of you beautiful woman out there is give yourself some loving!
Touch yourself and make yourself feel good through orgasm as much as possible, give yourself some loving and learn what makes you tick so you can help re-educate your own self loving thought patterns and how you feel about your sex life. Through touching yourself mindfully you will learn the pleasure of being okay in your own body, as you are. You will feel more sensual, sexy, sexually confident and more loving towards yourself. It will also help you to educate your partner or sexy friend, whatever your preference is, when needed, for a more rewarding and amazing sex life all round. You will learn that through touching yourself, that self love and orgasms come hand in hand. If we hate ourselves the thought of getting ourselves off literally repulses us, I know, because I have been there. Also who doesn't want to bring more orgasms to their lives, um no one!
For those of you with a low libido/sex drive the more orgasms we have the more we want, so practicing self love is an awesome libido booster. Learn about yourself, your needs, wants and desires. And see your libido shoot through the roof.
Even if you don't orgasm when playing around, if you are new to the practice don't get caught up in the end result, just enjoy the experience with no expectation and keep practicing until you find what works and is good for you!
Learn self massage to soothe your aches and pains. Learn and practice saying no to things you don't want to do but do to people please. Step away from the "good girl" mentality and do what is right for you and your needs. Take some relax time of your own, eat a delicious and nourishing meal, whatever you do make sure you do it because it makes you feel loved, from yourself. Do at least one thing a day to give some loving to yourself in your own loving way.
It's not selfish, it's necessary and it is beautiful.
Lots of Love
Amy Dee xx