We lay on our bed surrounded by light facing one another.
We were for a moment silent. Just witnessing and eye gazing.
His heartbroken gaze tore a hole into my soul as I shakily spoke the words that I was leaving.
The tears began to well up as I told him that I was broken too, that I was not only leaving my lover of 4 years, but I was also leaving my best friend.
He spoke in his shaken voice of ideas that we could remain friends regardless of our separation.
I reminded him, that we could see how we went in the future, but in the reality of it all.
When we embrace new relationships would that truly be fair on one another, or our new partners, would they truly be pleased about our friendship? And would we ever truly move on from our relationship that had in truth, run its course, if we continued to hold on.
I still remember the sinking, sickening feeling as I witnessed the beautiful man that I did care deeply for in his defeated state as I tried to scrap my strength together just to keep from falling back into our growing toxically circling love routine.
Wanting to desperately embrace him and tell him that it would be alright like I had so many times before, while also wanting to scream in the physical pain of my breaking heart and run for the hills, away from the responsibility, hurt, shame, guilt, anger and sadness of the breakup.
But knowing that this time, this time had to be the real time. And for a moment, everything wasn’t alright and there was no denying it.
Now here we are 6 years later. It is his birthday today, and no I didn’t have to check fb. I bumped into his mum two days ago after what feels like a billion years (well 6 years actually) of not bumping into her, AND I secretly/now publicly stalked his Facebook page tonight.
He is due to get married and is two beautiful children in. I am proud, happy and so content with this break up now, but I know that for whatever reason that this past relationship situation has resurfaced for a reason.
And the reason I believe is for me to go into the shadow, and to release the pains, the guilt, the shame, the attachment energetically/soulfully, and the resentment of what was, with this first true lover of mine.
Now do not get me wrong, I most definitely have let go in the physical and mental sense, but I believe that when we embrace love and experience a soul lover (which we have many of in my opinion) these chords can be connected to us long after we have moved on mentally and physically, some of you will understand this, some wont but regardless it is something to contemplate over.
As I glanced at pictures of him tonight I did not feel jealous, sad or regretful (as being a scorpz this can toates be part of my shadow) but I did feel proud, an abundance of happy for him that he had meet a beauty who obviously loves him like crazy and they have created some beautiful humans together, contentment but also a secret shadow sense of comparison.
I felt myself slipping down memory lane, back to the days when babies and marriage was OUR plan and wondering if he still thinks of me. Followed by instant guilt, guilt and shame knowing full well that I have moved on and without our separation we both would not have grown into the amazing humans we are today, and that the secret ponderings of his thoughts and feels was purely my defeated ego in facing the fact that I’m 100% replaceable as a lover when we are not soul aligned and that is the truth of it.
Now this is not a post of pure pondering this a post of surrender of humanity and support to all you equally human, human beings out there. Because well I’m not (to) afraid of my human-ness, and would love, that if anything, my imperfections, and human moments could be a lesson for some of you beauties.
When this beautiful human first fell pregnant with his new love, I was informed by a close family member, and in the most celebratory way, because well, my family had obviously grown to love him in the 4 years we were together, and why wouldn’t they.
When my response was pure shock and slightly sad, horror, followed by the comment “I feel weird”, as ya do, she blurted out to me “AMY you left HIM! And you have moved on! You CAN’T be upset!” resulting again in that fucking guilt and shame for being a human being and feeling all of the feels.
This moment still triggers me to this day. Even though she didn’t mean for it to be triggering, it was partly in truth. But why can’t I be upset for 5 fucking seconds when I had damn near married that man and had his babies myself right?
So tonight I wanted to write a post about surrendering the guilt or shame for feeling ANY feels you feel around a break up or ex partnerships, no matter how bizzare the timing or the longevity of the feels of any kind are resurfacing.
We may move on, embrace new and magnificent lovers and genuinely NOT want our ex back and be happy for their beautiful life progresses but STILL feel that sneaky egoic voice of comparison, fear and self abuse.
While in that moment I was upset for a few mins, I was also so, so happy for him after I had cleared the egoic fog. I was happy that the man I cared for but could no longer share life with as his lover, was happy and embracing his life as all of him.
Just because we may have a human moment, is no reason to beat yourself up or to think any less of yourself. You are perfect, whole and complete inclusive of any human moments and once you become the watcher of your thoughts instead of your thoughts themselves you can truly understand this in its purest form.
Break ups are a process and are in most cases crucial self discovery and learning processes for our souls. They are not something to hide from and to be ashamed off.
Trust the process and witness yourself in all of the messy madness that can occur in the midst of heartbreak and once you are out the other side of it (which is non-negotiable lovers) your soul will thank you for it.
Healing is not liner. Healing is lifelong. Healing is a process of coming home to ALL of you.
The light. The dark. The human.
So yeah this sexercise isn’t really about sex although I could add a sexy twist 😉
Grab your sweet self a journal or piece of paper.
At the top of the page I want you to right a moment that triggered you about or within your break up regardless of the amount of time you have been parted in this present time, time can be irrelevant in most cases as if we are not facing our shadow shiz, this stuff is lingering baby cakes.
This maybe a comment someone made or an opinion expressed onto you, a hurtful moment stimulated by your ex, a moment you caused or created yourself etc.
Now I want you to list all of the feelings you felt and why. Uncensored, raw, real and brutally honest with yourself. I want you to list the feelings that your scared to admit or voice even to yourself.
Repeat this as many times as you want to or need to for as many moments that spring to mind.
Once you have your list I want you to close your eyes, take a deep tummy filling breath, and set the intention (say a prayer, blurt it out, cry it out, or voice it)
“I forgive you/this situation, I love you and I am ready to face and let go of this aspect of my shadow.
And so it is”
Post intention setting you can either burn that shit up ( which is always a good time, but don’t forget your fire saftey) or tear it up and throw it away if you feel called to.
Now that sexy twist I promised you.
Orgasmic and sexual energy is a super powerful manifestation and/or releasing tool. If you want to truly amplify the release of these feels on a sexual/energetic level, which I do recommend considering most ex romantic relationships have an aliment of sex connected to them, I want you to get to sexy self loving (“cough” masturbating), setting the intention before your sexy sesh that you are ready and wanting to release the feels you have just written about and use your sexual energy (regardless of full orgasm or not) to truly burst that baby back into the cosmos for healing. I know it sounds wayyy to simple right?! But trust me, it’s a goody 😊
Lots of love
Amy Dee xxo